if not now, maybe, later.

In the name of Allah,

most gracious, most merciful.

Mother asked me how much i intend to save monthly. i replied a figure. she then asked me what i intend to do with it. and i replied, “just save..for future.”

anyhoos, im gg to keep this entry short. not much to say anyway. and i don’t want to talk abt my work. No objective talking abt it also.

I just hope that there is hope for the kids ive been seeing. although, i am cringing just by thinking abt them. i hope that there’s  light at the end of their tunnel. and i hope that i will get a better year working in the school when january 2010 comes. insyaAllah.

Till then, im still figuring out how to build a proper family,raise my children up properly from the start, get money for the lives ahead and importantly, to be more submissive to Allah’s plan.

Dear Rabb, i shudder at the thought of not getting Your love and You don’t approve of my amalan and proposed thoughts for a better future and to walk on a straighter path. Ya Rabb, i can only pray that i am on the righter path and that You are guiding me through thick and thin. because without You, i’m nothing. So how do i push this fear to make something happen, rather than just hiding in fear and wait and wait and wait for something to happen (knowing that i could have done something, but too afraid to move because i’m too afraid to be sinned and sin).

//bows head down both in embarrassment and fear and humility. Ya Rabbi, forgive my mistakes and my partner if we ever commit one in the future ahead.

//i posted “ithaca” poem at my office desk. constantly reading it whenever i can, knowing and remembering my purpose. not to find money through work, but to gain a journey worth sailing.

Finding the light at the other end of a well.

In the name of Allah,

most gracious, most merciful.

I’m so embarrassed  for not being able to handle ONLY 13 students whereas the teacher in the class can handle all students no matter the class size is big or small.

I can’t engage the students attention.

I don’t want to shout because there’s no point in doing it.

Violence inclusive shoutings are so rare now. you only hear a teacher shout only when the class is too much or when it’s lower primary students. now, the kids aren’t scared anymore. and i prefer it that way, because i rather the students be scared out of reasonings and respect. not out of volume of sound (like how we; the 80s and 90s are programmed.)

But with that, how do i start making them listen to me? im so tired of trying to explain an MCQ question for 10 minutes, walk ard the class to make sure they are doing corrections and wait another 10 minutes to get the kids to be quiet. soon enough, one period is gone and i can only go through 2 MCQs. pathetic right?

12 years old taking PSLE yet don’t know what consequences and responsibilities mean.

But it’s not as if this is my first time teaching. i taught a class before. but the environment is so different. i don’t understand why.

Sigh. But i can’t blame them.

Part of this is my responsibility i have yet to realise the solution. God help me.

Love-hate Relationship

In the name of Allah,

most gracious, most merciful.

Because i ended school at 415 and reach home at 5pm today, i decided to take a nap before having my lunch at 530pm. after that, i intent to get ready for my arabic lesson at 730 at Busorrah street. But, i ended up waking up at 630, thus i ate my lunch and can’t afford to be present for my arabic lesson, since i need about 1 hr to get ready.

Thus, i use this time to blog.

i don’t even have the time to send msges to my family and friends a happy eid’ fitri. so might as well, i write it here.

Slamat hari raya Eidul Fitri. Maaf zahir dan batin. please forgive my wrongdoings no matter if it’s done intentionally or purposely. and make my food and drinks halal if any of them i forgot to pay or whatever else. lol. and insyaAllah, may we all still be here for the next Ramadhan. insyaAllah. Amin.

Till then,

-i have to scratch my head; figuring out how to keep up with my arabic lessons and the contents of it.

- to visit my 2 favourite friends; Salwa and Rohaida. and  i have yet to find out if for some reason, my scondary friends decides to jalan raya this year.

-to visit my cousin’s place and my sister’s place

-do a proper lesson plan for the theoritically ‘graduating’ students im taking care of.

- figure out the school’s culture, policies and whatever else.

-figure out works’ paperwork and administrative matters

-figure out my non-core staff development thingy is all about. and until now, i still think ‘cockpit’ is place we do bbq. hahahah. crap. what do i know abt IT. -_-. and they are talking everything in shortforms. how can people know Pd stands for Personal Development. is it that hard to pronounce the whole thing?

Allied Educator

In the name of Allah,

most gracious, most merciful.

Okay, i haven’t write much. Duh. haha

Okay, First of all, Ramadhan has long started. and im no where to Khatam my Quran eversince my working days (inclusive of my business) started. crap.

Alhamdulilah, I have been working full-time since the beginning of the week. YEs, after so long of rest! now, i practically come back home to sleep. the first few days were the worst, cause once i reach home, i would just doze off. im just happy that my mom didn’t scold me for not doing the housechores.

yesterday wasn’t any different. haha. i slept at 830pm (after isyak) till 5 am for pre-dawn meal. have no idea i could even sleep that long! hehe.

so house-cleaning has been on hold and services from my 2 small brothers and i will only be activated on friday evening and the whole of saturday.

Till then, i gotta plan so many things. meeting the school leaders and staffs. do my civil service card, go for a medical check-up. and now, i realise, i havent even annouce what my job is. haha.

I’m an Allied educator. Not a teacher but im not so far away from it either.

I don’t have a class. I report to school as a teacher would. I have a timetable to follow. i drop in different classes at different periods. My job scope is basically to cover teaching duties for a selected group of people.

For instance, in a class of 40, there tend to be group of students who are very weak in their related subjects, or hyperactive that they likely would be disrupting the class, thus, these students will be taken out and i will be coaching them in a more private manner.

Sometimes, it doesnt look so simple as it seems.  as an allied educator can be of different services, depending on what the teacher in class wants me to do.

To tell you abt my life as an allied educator, is as good enough for you to just know that , once i reach home, i sleep. tt’s all.

It’s that tiring.

But Alhamdulilah, today, was smth different. Although, today wasnt much different from any days,but i have more passion to press these kids towards success,even if the maximum they can get is an E grade. Nonetheless, because they are graduating classes, i am just hoping that they can move on to grade 7 rather than retain to grade 6.

It wasn’t like this a few days ago. being my first time teaching in a circular school with an actual system, it was a very very difficult assignment to coach these kids. mainly because they have attitude problem. when i saw the difference in my teaching and how they actually listen to other teachers; i felt that i am so flawed in many ways. in patience, in anger, in frustrations and in my way of teaching. i can only pray that in time, i will understand and learn better. insyaAllah.

today, One ask me, “Miss Nazira, when you’re free ,can you give us (those who are interested in studying) extra lessons after school?”Although i dread the longer hours, how can i say no? my heart jumps for joy when i hear my service is recognised and asked for more. insyaAllah, i must have been doing something right, right?

Just takes time to finally show the wound for those who wants to see.

In the name of Allah,

most gracious, most merciful.

So, Ive finally turned 20. Alhamdulilah. the number doesnt mean much to me, just that it became a symbol of what it means. After all, i finally have 3 achievements i accomplished this year and one of them is just about to start on the September 14 insyaAllah.

i say it is a symbol because, for others who are still pursuing a degree would still be..well…full-time student and studying still? so for me, though i wish i was, Allah’s got better plans for me, and when i think of it, it soothes my heart and remind me that this pain’s temporary. im a grown up now and insyaAllah, be independent and finding own’s rice and bowl. i dream of the day, i can bring my mother out for good dining and gift a present and money for her expenditure.

———-

I asked my friend how long has it been we last talked and shared apart from making jokes and go round a place, window shopping and whatever. and to be honest, there never was a time. so i felt drifted because in a group of 7,they are sets of 2;  having another closer companion to be with in the group and i was left sifted. i don’t ask for a couple of tears and expect any of us to be a shoulder, but wouldn’t it better if we had even given a choice? i don’t know your life and hell, you don’t know mine. i tried to open up a year ago and tell abt my status, and the next thing, everyone kept mum and close my book and left me with what ive got.

What dishearten me the most is that, you never tried to accept him, when you know, he already makes half of my life. too much to ask for a dinner eh?.and really, when you say sisters, you must have meant, “SISTERS and nazira”

But it’s okay. of course, between such clique and reserve oneself; of course i would pick the latter than being bitter gourd that no one wants to taste.

Although this is half of my points, i end here. you MUST have known which direction i am going at after all this years of accumulating and going with the flow in the group. either that, or you’re in denial thinking everyone’s good as long we see each other.

I honestly, don’t mind and won’t have hard feelings if ever this separation takes long-term. and we would definitely say our hellos if we bump to each other. but with different personalities in us, showing more as we get older, i rather give this phase a miss and cherish,miss & love the times we shared in secondary school for the innocence we all had once.

Colour of your eyes

Nancy Ajram – The Color of Your Eyes

I can’t live except with you
I can’t exist except for you

The color of your eyes is my passion
I beg you believe what I say
My heart and my soul are with you
If they push me far from you
You would remain alone in my eye
Talk to me and I listen to you

I can’t live except with you
I can’t exist except for you

No matter what happens I can’t be by myself
Throw me in the fire, be easy on me for my sake

On neighbouring country.

In the name of Allah,

most gracious, most merciful.

I don’t agree with the malaysia’s punishment on that drinker muslim woman because i think the punishment is too severe, might as well the woman just jump down and die.

But since the punishment has been stated as a law in the country, then i would say go ahead.

Laws on religion holds equal standing as much Laws in any country do. you can’t say that drug trafficking can’t be hang to death, saying that it’s nt fair and they should just serve community service. so what’s the difference. I say the difference is that we people, lack of understanding, the justice in prosecuting laws and punishment, because of two reasons; 1) we are not affected internallly 2)we are not in that field to understand. Not all knowledge is for everyone, remember?

Oh, i had the same thought as many of them once; saying that the punishment bestowed is too much..but my Ustaz made me understand.

I questioned the authority of the Arabic islamic government, why they cut off one’s hands when one is caught stealing. who are they to take away Allah’s gift from a person and isn’t repentance from the person suffice?

He replied that not necessarily the person would repent because there are men, who even with chopped hands would still steal. so what repentance are u talking about? and law is law, if you know such a thing is wrong and harmful, why you still do it?aren’t u just asking for the punishment to be imposed on u?

So i finally understand.

And IF the world has same thoughts and abide the rules faithfully, the world would be a much better, peaceful and straighter place to live in. Don’t you think so?

Macaroons and more macaroons

In the name of Allah,

most gracious, most merciful.

Sister in law and i had this business project of selling cookies and biscuits for Eid’l Fitri.

We made 5 types of samples; -Coconut crunch -Chocolate Chips -Macaroons -French Macaroons -almond cookies thingy. There are two types of macaroons, maybe you can google it and know what im talking about.

But all of them samples went wrong. the coconut crunch didn’t turn out to be exceptionally tasty as it should have been although, it’s a normal-easy-to-get-kinda cookies. chocolate chips wasn’t excellent because SIL thinks she puts too much Milo and made the cookies abit harder than it should, Macaroons are perfect; it was light and crunchy, i loved it. French Macaroons; because it was bloody first time to try such a unique type, in a nutshell, it turned out horrible. Almond cookies, are good, i took the first batch, but it was abit burnt because we forgot that it was in the oven haha…so i think the rest of batter should be okay, just that, it didnt take the rectangular shape because of the almonds in it.

Overall, SIL was disappointed because never in her life, cookies turned out this bad. she was really keen in making business and earn some money for expenses. I, well, although i share the same woes as her, i really accepted such outcomes, i am so used to failures, in time, i gave up to fate and understood that even a million years in pursuit of perfection; knowing that it is a learning journey. but there was a lump of hope, i could make money…since my only income is my weekend job and me trying to get into teaching. nonetheless, alhamdulilah that we are done making the samples, time to throw our bait at the ocean and see who likes the worms we offer. lol.

—————

Anyhoos, Last saturday, i had to relief a Primary 4 class. During recess time, i asked if they want to stay in the class or go to the canteen. they all voted to stay. so, i walked out of the class with my bag and said that i’ll be back. few of the boys concluded and said, ” EH! teacher never fast!!!” I was so taken aback, i don’t know what to say. haha. i can’t believe i had to give explainations for my actions to a group of 10 year olds. on a second thought, they are 10 year olds, so i just brush their comments off. haha. but on the next hour, i told them, i wasn’t suppose to relief their class, because my post as head tutor is at the ground floor. it has been a long time i last breath the environment of teaching a class. It was fun while it lasted, surprisingly, the whole lot is so studious; when given tasks, they would do it silently and individually. but there were times they made noise because of group work and i didn’t restrain them anyway.

So..that’s my week. and  the opposite side of greener grass in my life, i can’t tell even if i could. whenever i think of it, i am so stumped on the floor, hating myself for being so hopeless.

To build 5 Pillars

In the name of Allah,

most gracious, most merciful.

I look at myself in the mirror, I have aged so much, I don’t look like my theoretically age.

I keep on thinking of the number 2 and 0, i keep on forgetting and thus, have to cautiously remind myself that age is just a number.

next, i thought of the challenges and choices i made that i have imposed on myself. the consequences i dared and the outcomes of it.

Ash and more ashes.

In the name of Allah,

most gracious, most merciful.

I’m so heartbroken, i don’t know what  happiness in this world is anymore.

By the river piedra, with bated breath, i sat down and wept. and wept. and wept.