Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

Balqis is still sleeping and i have a little bit extra time to write.

Recently, the topic of shia has come to my attention especially when i found out that a friend of mine is one. i asked my dad about their presence and he said there’s nothing wrong with it as long as their basis of believe do agree that God is God and Prophet Muhammad is His Messenger regardless their ‘plus-plus’.

i asked my husband and he totally rejects that idea. in the hadith, any slightest even the slightest as a mustard seed of deviation can lead you to a different path. and Islam is at its simplest when you just follow the Quran and Sunnah.

Allah knows best.

So, after all the asking, i brought it upon myself and ask, why then am i an ahli-sunnah wal Jamaah and not Shia? why do i still choose what i choose? if you don’t know me enough, i have the tendency to question people’s ways in order to question my ways(Which leads to frustrating people thinking that i’m out to pin them down). i think it’s part of my blood as an educator to inculcate the attidue of “Practice what you preach”.

Regardless their belief on Ali and Husayn (may peace be upon them) ( i name these two because these two are the always the centre of topic), whenever i think of shia, i think of mourn and grieve for the loved ones.

As a human, when i had to go through my most most depressing phase of my life (God is Great), i felt so broken inside and weak, i just wanted to stay on the floor and not to move a limb. the fear that any move i make makes a negative impact and have a bad consequences, and i couldnt afford to have anymore bad news. irony that time, my work became my first home and i didn’t even want to smell my house.  now, i think that it’s the virtue and a curse of a woman to forget past. so, i forgot but only remember the essence. i’ll always remember that murderer and  her family of angst and jealousy. of all the things i can forget, these are the ones that i’ll remember. so does my husband.( while i remind my husband, i too am reminded that emotions aren’t from us ,but a borrowed thing from God. and the emotions that we have must be controlled)

I can explain in detail what these emotions made me become, made me feel and made me do. but here, it’s enough for you to see and understand that these grief, anger, sorrow and all these emotions of the past did not make me stronger. it actually, held me behind from doing what i do best; to take care of my charges.

I don’t see the value of looking at the past so much that mourns you.

I believe in the unity of brotherhood. and i also believe that the sets of trials are to their own. between God and themselves. how one had to go through their tests, go through birth and death, how death came to them, is part of  human being existence for God. i don’t feel sorry for another because one is placed in such situation. it is his own time and own test insyaAllah, With pain, there’s relief. surely with pain, there’s relief. in the name of God, you too cannot feel sorry or sad for the animal that is to be sacrificed for rezeki.

so, why am i not a shia? because i dont believe in grief and mourn for too long that it becomes a ritual and part of remembrance. i am an ahli sunnah because i follow hadith and quran , insyaAllah.

my relationship with history is mecca and madinah. and that too it out of appreciation of the series of events and hikmah, to learn and understand, to miss and love.  because its these two places that revelations are sent down and wars for justice and truth are set out and celebrated. all in the name of God, to be close to Him , at the end of the day, don’t we all strive to be near Him in Jannah?

Allah knows best.

Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

For years, while husband is out chasing dreams, i took it to my stride (with all the wisdom i thought i have), i chose to be indifferent and stick to the reality, make do with what i have and stop looking ahead to the future. all out fear of disappointment from what promises we can have.

i would like to think of us as ying and yang. black and white. night and day.

So, when January comes, my heart aches because things just don’t change. and i’m thinking, why the bloody hell isn’t it??

ive waited for so freaking long and biting my nails. and all i get is nail dusts -_-”.

then, maybe that’s why i have what i have.

i became indifferent so things become indifferent for me.

so now, being clever abit, i am thinking of my future more than ever, having many plan As, Bs and Cs. and waiting for this time to strike for that change. insyaAllah.

Ya Rabb, May I come out strong and better.

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“In the name of Allah the most Beneficient, the most Merciful.

If we can look beyond and through everything that happens to us, everything we do—or fail to do—and see Allah, then we will have gotten the purpose. When something happens that you love, be careful not to miss the point. Remember that nothing happens without a reason. Seek it out. Look for the purpose Allah created in what He has given to you. What aspect of His Essence is He showing you through it? What does He want from you?

Similarly, when something happens that you dislike, or that hurts you, be careful not to get lost in the illusion created by pain. Look through it. Find the message in the bottle. Find the purpose. And let it lead you to glimpse just a little more of Him.”

http://looking4light.wordpress.com/

Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

“and certainly, We shall test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits, but give glad tidings to As-Sabirun (the patient)” 2:155

“So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief:
Verily, with every difficulty there is relief.” – 94:5-6

With bated breath, in the midst of trials and hardship, i get frustrated, i get reminded, i perform my duties sometimes with a heavy and sad heart, sometimes with sincerity.. With bated breath, in the midst of trials and hardship, i do my work and i wait.

Ya Allah, to You i turn to and to You i ask for help. to You i prostrate to.

Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

ok. i have 30 more minutes before my next lesson.

Alhamdulilah. things have been good. and insyaAllah, it will get better.

My sister just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. masyaAllah. her nose is sharp. now i come back home, i kiss two babies.

Balqis is much playful now. i think of her and i can’t help giggling about her ways. oh. isnt it peaceful when she sleeps. the moment she’s awake, she’s up and about, terrorizing everybody. one way or another, she’s a mirror of me. SubhanaAllah.

ok. we’ve come to the year of 2012. gotta set specific goals to towards a better me.

my husband said a couple of times that he already had his visions straightened out by the time he was 15, to be wherever he is now. Alhamdulilah. so, i put a wonder if i should be just as ambitious or if not, to what extent should i plan and what’s best?

ok so here are my goas in line with getting closer to Allah Swt InsyaAllah.

1) start Arabic Language. Eventually, i want balqis to master Arabic Language as her third language.

2) weight management. to lose 6kg. and stay fit as fiddle.

3) Change dress code. Enough with the ignorance that socks is not compulsory.

4) Constantly thinking and practice what i know and seek to learn. MasyaAllah. This i hope and pray that knowledge doesnt repel me even when old age and yet be a humble learner and a practice it.

5) Be a good mother to Balqis in being a good role model in religion, cleanliness, discipline, maturity and particularly, in patience.

6) Be a good wife to my husband in iman, patience, happiness, reminders, wealth and health.

InsyaAllah.

Allah knows best.

as my work gets ready for the new year, we are going through big changes. ESP for me though.

so as I sift thing through, let me ponder on my goals n insyaAllah become more difinite.

husband said when he was 15 or so, he knew who he wanted to be and do exactly till his old age. a colleague of mine spoke the same. I wonder whether I’m suppose to have the same vision for myself to that extent.

I had a conversation with mother.
I asked her if her years feels short or long.

she thought about it and replied “short”. asked her why.
she said..

“when during Judgement Day, it feels the deeds are heavily weighed, I just wish during my younger days, I contributed much much more.”

with this, I accept as a wisdom to change my decisions in life, to be better , to be in a straighter path. insyaAllah

Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

Yesterday i was just giving a thought of what i would do when i leave the AED service, and my plan would be towards cooking and baking.

then i realised why im doing what im doing.

My Reporting Officer (RO) asked me what are my aspirations during my work review. and i had no idea how to reply to that.

so last night, i thought about it and it’s probably because my aspirations are already is.

my passion is to teach young children, which i’m doing now. i have no intention to make my career my rice bowl because it’s my husband’s job to do that. however, while we move towards financial freedom, i cover costs through the work that i love doing. so believe me, im not into becoming a teacher and doing so many things, God knows why.

and after 2 1/2 years of service, i believe that i have somehow attained what my goals are.

to teach.

then she proceed to tell me about my problems socialising with people. haha. don’t we all?

and i realised, that wasn’t in my list of priority because, well, because i don’t find it outmost importance to go all the way out to jeopardise my rights and freedom just to please and do other people’s work.

However, I do understand the implication of not meeting that quota of partnership with colleagues, and i insyaAllah, will work on that should i ever continue my service for this coming year.

Till then, let’s they say,

people just don’t know what you are all about.

And they can talk all they want about you, because they are not family.

Allah knows best.

Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

it aches me when humans say, follow sunnah and quran.

but when comes to talking about polygamy, about tudung, about responsibilities, about rights, anything about the topics that make them uncomfortable or insecure…

they put sunnah and quran the second. with a snap of fingers, just like that.

and there you go preach what you don’t practice.

having a double face just like that.

oh, aren’t we all liars.

nauzubillah min zalik.

Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

A sheikh went to a mosque for his prayers. after taking off his slippers, he carried with him wherever he went.

A Shiite saw it and asked him of his actions. he said, “Oh! during nabi’s times, there was said that shiites like to take people slippers”

the shiite replied, “but nabi’s times, there isn’t any shiite.”

Exactly.

So what’s the bid’ah, or others call it bid’ah hasanah for?

“If you love me, don’t confess your love to me, this won’t please me and will keep me away! love words don’t attract me. If you love me, wait for me and I will knock on your door in the right time. Don’t give me privileges which I don’t deserve. Keep me away from you, and I will approach you. If you approach me, I will stay away from you. Don’t love me, for I want you ignorant in love. I want to teach you love when the right time come and you will be my Halal, only when we are joined together under our Creator’s satisfaction.

Don’t tell me what you feel, don’t give me from your time, don’t push me to lose you. I am a man who won’t accept to see the one he loves committing sins or to live a forbidden love behind the back of her family. I don’t want her to feel guilty and don’t want her heart to suffer.

Put limits to me that I won’t cross, kill me inside you so I won’t grow to kill you. Preserve what is beautiful inside you. I want you innocent, chaste, pure. I want you dear, not easy. And then, Only then, I will face everything and will be ready to go through difficulties to get you

How could I be a faithful man to you when I try to break your chastity? How would I be faithful to you if I push you to betray your family? How could I trust a love which grew under Allah’s wrath ? To love you means to protect you, to preserve you not to kill what is beautiful in you.

Don’t be easy because then, I may not value you. Don’t love me now, so I won’t hate you! My heart wants you and doesn’t want to lose you. I don’t want you to be just a passing fancy to me, I want you a wife, a lover, the mother of my children, I want you to be the one I will spend my whole life with.”

Taken from: looking4light.wordpress.com