In the name of Allah,
most gracious, most merciful.
I have so much emotions and thoughts inside my head, i just wish to squeeze them and pour it into this entry.
But the entire course taught me that, even though the situation you’re in, is not much of a hazard to anyone, let alone to yourself, but somehow, at the end of the day, they will go against you using the words you used.
what is wrong being unemployed currently, but eventhough my situation is perceived as such, i am making efforts to get my way, but when subjects like this pops up in a conversation, they’ll say im a loafer, or “not like you, sitting at home”.
and knowing myself, im not a spontaneous thinker, let alone a talker.
i cant defend myself at that moment when i need to. ill just mum.
call it a weakness or strength, but sigh..
of course i wish my life could be something different.
……….
and because i wasnt made to be a defensive speaker,
i caught myself crying to bed..everyday.
and ask God for mercy and compassion and guidance, because HE is the only person, the only friend, family, relative, blood, support,everything, i can depend on.
La hawla walla kuwatta illa billa.
i fear living in this world, because i know heaven or hell is what we decide for our own when we make critical decisions. and the worst part of all, when these things happen, i wouldnt know if this is a retribution of a mistake i made or a test. because i am all alone. at the end of the day, only He knows. only He hears. how sincere i am, when i apologise to someone, when i seek mercy and forgiveness from Him, when i do my work whole heartedly. and say, ” Because of Allah swt”
