In the name of Allah,
most gracious, most merciful.
Having the writer’s block recently. if you do notice my absence in my entries.
Really makes me feel crippled. so dumbfounded for having no inspiration to write and share. i stressed so many times to my students; insisting on drawing out the mind map before starting any composition and insisting on digging reflections every time a lesson in the four-walls classroom ends. no reflections, no emotions expressed, might as well be dead and stamped “a non-thinker” on your forehead.
Alhamdulilah, although my life has been gradually been stagnant eversince i took the last exam paper, life has been what i have chosen it to be; whatever it is; without motivation and power to independently choose my path; which technically, im failing at it, i think.
It’s funny how I work. Not sure about the others, so, lets not pin point fingers and just talk about who i am, eh? Funny how i work, being so stubborn, focused, ignorant, straight forward, forceful ,(whatever you may call it), when i was in Secondary 4, i wanted to drop my Biology, so that i can focus on my Additional Maths. My dad hated that idea, got the scoldings of my life; that only serve as a reminder on how my dad’s mind works. Guess what? i got a bloody B3 for GCSE for Add M. and look who’s watching who now. Whatever. This may sound so trivial, ill keep on repeating the same story to every stranger i get close to. hear this story umpteen times. because im actually proud for believing in myself that time. and importantly, going against what everybody thought it was impossible.
There were lots of other things. but i think at the end of the day, those will just be during the days when I actually had the privilege to prove my worth.
But now, there’s no one to challenge me. so im laying here without a mission. -_-”.
we will see how tomorrow looks like.
I must get a Shark tomorrow. Been fishing for months and nothing came up. this time, ill throw a blood dripping human head as a bait if i must. it’s just an expression. seriously. im not much of a gore person. really. even before i even try to watch Saw Movie, 28 days later or whatever, you might just see me vomitting.
ok. lets change subject.
i taught a primary 3 class last saturday.
She was being so tough, i asked her a simple question, if she doesn’t know it, she could have said so. but she just stood still. and my question was left unanswered. i called out her name. many times she would just stare at me back in the eye.
i was pissed at her. she was being so rude. and i told myself that i can play the same game too. so, from then onwards, i shoved her aside; i ignored her.
throughout the period, i taught multiplication and division. there were times i gave simpler questions, she would just shout the answer. no space for respect for me as a tutor.
so i went through the lesson as though she wasnt there.
Of course, i didnt literally ditch her off.
The class was being unresponsive. i had to get them stand up. and only allowed to be sitted if they could answer my question. that girl, joined too. she was no exception. she was the last few to still be standing up. there was once she gave the wrong answer, so she had to continue standing up. it slipped off my mind, i asked her why she still standing, thinking that she already had answered. i asked her nicely. but like she does best, just stare right back at me.
at the end of the session, none waved their goodbyes at me; i was a bit saddened and guilty.
Yes. nothing was wrong. i have done my responsibilities. although the girl was being rude, i gave her equal previledge as a student still. i taught them as much as i could.
But i was still at wrong. Because i had no compassion to teach; to inspire; to love.
Here’s my mistake and my wisdom. learn from me.
Till then, if only Allah gives me a chance to relief that class again and allow me to mend my mistake. Nothing else i fear more than His punishment. For i wasn’t performing my best.
I am no one but human with flaws.
87. And remember Zun-nun, when he departed in wrath: He imagined that We had no power over him! But he cried through the deptHs of darkness, “There is no god but thou: glory to thee: I was indeed wrong!”
88. So We listened to him: and delivered him from distress: and thus do We deliver those who have faith.
Soorat Al-Anbiya.
